Day 103

Shelter in Place Day 103
“It’s ok that you haven’t developed a sour dough starter or built a side hustle or worked out every day and it’s ok if you did.” — Sarah Noll Wilson

I found this great Twitter thread this morning, It was exactly what I needed to read. I find Twitter a great place to be nowadays. It’s where I get most of my news. It’s specific and to the point, and I find what I need when I don’t know I need it.

I had a breakdown lasts the night, I won’t go into the messiness of it, but TL;DR I had another “I’m a terrible writer I can’t do this shit spiral.” It’s been 100 days and I still don’t believe in myself enough to write the book I’m writing. I’m scared to finish it. The character is only giving me small openings, only letting me see small glimpses of himself.

And a very wise Husbear said to me last night, “Maybe he doesn’t feel like you’re ready to tell his story, yet.”

I’ve always said that writers aren’t crazy, because they write down what the voices in their heads are telling them. It’s crazy, I know. But, I’m scared to believe the voice in my head this time. Am I really in the right place to tell this story? Am I knowledgeable enough to put into words the situations I’ve created?

I’m beating myself up because I haven’t released anything in two years. I am floundering here, I stepped in to save my local writing group, but no one wants to volunteer to do anything. And everything else going on around me is stopping me from doing any writing. I’m organized and I’ve planned my next quarter, and I’ve got my stickies ready for my KanBan board. I’m just too scared to finish.

I’ve had 100 days and the most I’ve done is write a short story that one person praised and another said they didn’t understand, but I sent it in. I’m afraid of writing conflict because I hate conflict in my life. When pressed about it last night, I couldn’t even think of what to do with the books I’m working on now. I want to sit at the computer and have the words ripped out of my mind and on the paper, but I haven’t been able to do that lately.
Like the Sarah Noll Wilson quote above, it’s ok that I haven’t done anything. It’s ok that I wrote the short story. It’s ok that I sit at the computer and choose a game of Hearthstone over opening my MS.

We’re living in a Pandemic. When every time I wake in the morning and my throat is sore, or I see the new symptoms and think I have them, until I realize I started a new medication and it’s one of the side effects. When I get a text from my mom saying she’s sick, and I call her immediately to find out what’s up. When I want to go to a protest for my work, but I don’t want to risk running into people who’ll be complacent and not wear masks.

I’m scared of the world, scared for our nation, scared for our friends and loved ones, and the people I’ve yet to meet. It’s ok that I haven’t done it all. It’s ok that I haven’t written the best selling book I know that’s inside of me.

Read the thread I’ve linked, it might be what you need to read today too.

Have you accepted that you can’t get it all done?

https://twitter.com/sarahnollwilson/status/1276281247900356608?s=21

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